Hello Everyone,
Reading Angela's post last night really motivated me to write down the struggle I've had with weight loss. Just like Angela mentioned in her post, this is going to be an ongoing thing about me trying to achieve the body I want and just a little explanation of how I got here. I'm hoping that I can help anyone that may be in the same boat as I am or may have been in the same boat.
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All my life I have been considered "over weight." And it is heartbreaking. It's a term that just makes you immediately feel bad about yourself. If you have been deemed this god awful term, you'll know the torment that comes with it. I've been made fun of because of my weight, I've been told that I'll never be loved, I've had people laugh at me, I've had people avoid being my friend because of it, and I've been told countless other mean things.
Bullying someone because of their body weight is something that can really hurt someone forever. I can honestly recall things that I've been called in elementary school or things people did to me in middle school. It really does stick. All throughout elementary and middle school I was made fun of so bad that I cried myself to sleep most days. It wasn't only the kids at school that were tormenting me, it was my mind as well. When people constantly tell you things about yourself, its hard to see yourself any other way. You start to believe the things that people say. I would dress in huge baggy clothes because I didn't want people to see my body. I hated myself so much. I hated my body. I hated everything. I wished every day that I could just magically wake up with a new body. Obviously, that never happened. I hated going to school because I was afraid of what people would say about me. I was afraid of what someone might do to me. I was just afraid. I was over weight for most of my high school life as well. It wasn't until senior year that I was a "normal" weight.
The summer before my senior year I started taking diet pills...I took one every day (sometimes two a day) and it suppressed my appetite. During the summer I worked at two summer camps and was constantly walking around and doing things for over 8 hours. With these diet pills, I would rarely finish a lunch. And being as tired as I was after working, I would fall asleep when I got home (most of the time not eating...and if I did eat, it wasn't a lot). This continued for about two months. I ignored the fact that I felt tired all the time, I ignored the fact that I had almost passed out a couple of times, I was ignoring what my body actually needed because my desire to be thin was so strong. By the time I went back to school I had dropped 30 pounds (this was in 2 months...not healthy at all). In my head, I was extremely ecstatic. I couldn't have been happier because I felt beautiful. I was overlooking the terrible things that were happening to me. I was losing a lot of my hair, I was looking really sick, and I developed an eating disorder. I was obsessed with not eating. I would go the whole day without eating and then compensate the hunger with a candy bar or something (which is so bad). That's when the binge eating started. I wouldn't eat for a day so that I could stuff my face another time. This is a battle I'll probably struggle with my whole life because I want to be able to eat what I want and not have it hurt my body.
What people don't realize is that sometimes people do stupid things to fit this "ideal body." I can't tell you how many days I thought "maybe I shouldn't eat today," or how many times I've had an intense workout with no food in my system. This is an illness. An illness that many people suffer from. And it's something that I feel we should shed a light on. Think about the thing your most self-conscious about, and now think about that as the only thing people see or talk about. It doesn't feel good, does it? It feels horrible. It feels like people will never see you as
you. People can tell me that I'm not fat, people can tell me that I'm beautiful, but because of my past I fear that I will never be able to accept those things. What absolutely blows my mind is the fact that there are many people of ALL ages that feel this way. There are people in this world who take your words and try to prove you wrong by not eating, by throwing up their food, by taking pills, by exercising way past their limit. Everyone should feel comfortable in their bodies, and if they're not comfortable, they should try a healthy way to change it.
I wish I could say that the torment from people will stop, but it doesn't. And I know now that I've shared my story people will use it against me. Everyone has seen my weakness and it will become their greatest ammunition. People will find a way to try to knock me down and make me feel lower than I do most days. The things that people say about my body eventually come back to me. I know what people say about my body and all I can say is that nobody is perfect. I mean, yeah, it sucks to hear these "friends" say hurtful things about you, but it should only serve as motivation for you to become your best self. Just because I have a tummy doesn't give anyone the right to call me names. I am a great person and I will do anything for the people in my life. My body weight doesn't define me. Just because I may look "chubby" or "fat" or WHATEVER doesn't mean I don't work out, doesn't mean I don't drink water, doesn't mean I sit on the couch and eat all day. I am who I am, and I love myself, I have the greatest friends, a supportive family, and a wonderful boyfriend.
For the people who may feel that they have no support, we are here for you! Feel free to talk to me or Angela! We will be happy to help and we will be happy to be there for you! If you're going through a difficult time, don't be afraid to talk to us! Don't give up! We can do anything we set our minds to!
Angela and I can maybe write another post about starting this journey and tips on how to start and where to even begin at all! If you want to start within this week, I would say to try to run/walk/go on the elliptical 3 days this week for at least 3 miles. If you go to a school that offers workout classes, try to go out of your element and take one!
As of today, March 2nd, 2015, I will be starting the Paleo diet. And I will be tracking how many pounds I've lost either every week or every two weeks! I know I focused more on the problem I've had with this than with the outcome I've been seeing, I just feel really strong about this whole situation. I workout almost every day and I've been gaining a lot of muscle. I want to focus more on losing the weight I don't like, and to do that I need to definitely eat better.
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